STAGES OF MARRIAGE PT 2

Marriage is a word that can provoke many emotions and images. This is simply because for most people, marriage is one of the most important pursuits in life. Some say that “love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-­‐opener.” 

Of course, marriage is an evolving social entity, both in terms of its historical evolution and in terms of its stages of growth and development within one’s lifetime. As with many other social and biological entities, the marriage relationship evolves through various developmental stages. In fact, researchers have identified three distinct but interrelated phases that marriages go through. These three phases essentially chart out the developmental pathway of marriage, which is in many ways akin to traversing the human developmental stages of infancy, adolescence, and maturity. 

The first phase in marriage which is popularly referred to as the romantic phase, or honeymoon phase. This phase of marriage usually lasts anywhere between zero month to five years. In some cultures it even lasts as long as six years. This stage is not really about a honeymoon to some exotic destination, but rather, it is about the excitement and joy of entering into a new romantic relationship and the hopes and aspirations it enkindles about creating something beautiful. Of course, this phase is not totally free from uncertainty and confusion that comes with planning a future with your new found love, but for the most part, couples in this phase see what they want to see. This is where the idea that “love is blind” begins to make a lot of sense. Nevertheless, you realize the honeymoon is over when you increasingly begin to see your partner’s faults and shortcomings and you realize he or she is not perfect. 

The second phase of marriage is called the differentiation phase. Some call it the phase of frustration. This is the most challenging phase that couples enter into. Close to 90% of relationships fail in this second phase as a result of many challenges and conflicts. These often revolve around the broader issues of sex and intimacy; money and security; and issues surrounding the raising of children. The emotional undercurrent that usually accompanies these conflicts, especially if they are unresolved and ignored, is a loss of love, joy, hope, and to some degree a sense of failure. Unfortunately, the high rate of divorce in this phase has little to do with compatibility. Rather, it has more to do with the fear of addressing conflict as well as a lack of essential skills and knowledge required to build a healthy relationship. This includes understanding the nature and dynamics of love. 

Creating the kind of relationship we always wanted, involves learning about these dynamics and acquiring the skills to put them into practice. Individuals who prematurely divorce during the second phase of their marriage usually return to the honeymoon phase by entering into a new romantic relationship, often finding themselves more confused and emotionally exhausted when conflict presents itself in the new relationship. They desperately hold on to the hope that the right guy or the right girl will eventually be found. However, research indicates that the probability of divorce increases progressively from first, second, to third marriages. Recognizing these trends should motivate a couple to work on their differences before ‘throwing in the towel’ and seeking love elsewhere.  After all, divorce is never an easy option – especially if children are involved. It is really important to understand the psychological and emotional forces that are acting upon us in times of conflict and distress. Consider talking to a professional who can guide and help you in improving your relationship. 

Successfully overcoming the second stage of marriage is central towards entering into the third stage, which is called the enlightenment or the unity phase. This involves the purposeful integration of two people in a state of harmony and cooperation that promotes the pursuit of excellence and the achievement of their life goals. Couples in this phase of marriage see each other as two helpmates that authentically work together in fulfilling their dreams and aspirations. Their relationship is not competitive (tit-­‐for-­‐tat) but cooperative; it is not judgmental and faultfinding but encouraging and supportive. 

In this stage, couples experience a qualitative shift in their love and commitment. They know how to receive pleasure and give back pleasure – fulfilling each other’s needs. They know how to receive love and show love in ways that are meaningful to their partner and, above all, they take the time to understand each other. For couples in this phase, love is an expression of both concern and acceptance for each other. In other words, when couples have concern for each other, it translates into a wish to see their partner become what they are capable of becoming. Each marriage partner is willing to sacrifice his/her own rest, resources, energy and time so that the other might prosper, rather than trying to compete for love and attention. Acceptance is manifested by the recognition that each partner has faults and shortcomings as well as a decision not to make these faults and shortcomings the primary focus of their attention. Each looks upon the other’s potentials, rather than the limitations. 

Building the relationship you always wanted with the partner you already have is a matter of both chance and choice. So if you are already married, then the chance has already been presented to you...now the choice is yours!!!